Today

It’s been a day today. Politically sort of awful, america in general is being sort of awful and that really weighs a person down. But on top of all the things that are going wrong socially, politically, and environmentally, it’s just been a bad day!

I woke up this morning and I had a dream about B. I’m not going to get into details on here about it because I don’t think this is something I want to really remember. It wasn’t a bad dream! I feel like I have to say this, it was in no way a bad dream. It was a really great dream actually, so great in fact that when I first woke up I thought it was real and when I realized it wasn’t it ruined me. Honestly. All day today I’ve been in a funk because of this stupid dream about a stupid boy who’s my friend and who lives literally across the country from me and whom I probably won’t see for like years and only sees me as a friend. I mean he has more in common with cassie than he does me. I’m legitimately wondering why we’re even friends? Are we only friends just because cassie is always with us?

You know what no. This is a bad hole to go down and I’m not gonna do it. He thinks I’m funny, we have similar views on life, and he’s the kind of guy where if he didn’t want to be your friend he wouldn’t be. So we are friends and I’m positive he could have a full in good and natural conversation just between the two of us.

Anyway, this dream did me wrong in terms of my psyche and I hate it. The worst is it’s an embarrassing dream and I could never tell cassie I had a dream about him, I only told kelly just that information, and Maniesse is the only one who knows almost all the details. I’m embarrassed by it!!! I mean who has dreams about boys who aren’t even interested in them?? Apparently I do. I wonder what it means?

But this dream situation has also brought me down a bad thought situation of no guys have ever been interested in me and when they are I’m always like, “no not that one” I’ve had one boyfriend and that was 5 years ago and he got married a couple of months ago (something I’m totally fine and okay with). I haven’t kissed a guy since then and I have no way of meeting new guys and I don’t want to use tinder. It makes me feel yucky and like I shouldn’t be doing it. I’m at a loss. I want to have that part of my life sorted out or at least working towards it in some way and I’m not and I don’t know how to. I miss being in rexburg and being near a large group of other Mormons. Life was weird and sometimes not fun, but it made me want to be better and I had options of friends and romantic interests. No non Mormon guy is ever going to be interested in a relationship with me.

That’s all I want to say though. I could keep going on about how I feel lonely and and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way and I feel like my life is sinking down while everyone else is zooming and going far ahead of me or they at least know where they’re going. But if I keep doing that then I would be up all night and I just want to play sims, listen to music, and then read and really good bad romance book until I fall asleep.

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