It’s been a hot minute

Hey there blog! I know it feels like I’ve forgotten about you, but no worries, I haven’t. Life just got busy™. I am going to make more posts about things that have happened that I want to write about, but for now I’m going to just do a brief update. 

It’s 1:21am on July 15, 2017 and I graduate college in 3 days. Wow. I hadn’t thought about it in such short numbers until now. I feel like I’ve just been waiting for this to happen for the past 4 years and now it’s here and I sort of don’t want it to be? I had a plan for my life way back then and that is not what my life looks like now. I’m not going to say what I thought it was going to be like though because there’s no point in dwelling on things that hadn’t happened. But now it’s here! Becca, my mom, and the two kids are driving up through Canada to get here for graduation, and then my dad, Mae, and Macca are flying to Utah on Monday to meet up and then drive up with Nate on Tuesday. There’s a lot happening. 

But tonight and really this whole week, there has been a looming cloud over me saying “you have to say goodbye to chandler, marissa, and bennett, this weekend” and it’s Friday. Chandler and Marissa left today for Yellowstone so I said a brief goodbye on Thursday. Which I loved because I like short and to the point goodbye with a lot of hang out time that leads up to the goodbye. But tonight cassie and I had to say goodbye to Bennett. He came over and spent the evening at our house. He came over at like 10 and left at 1. 

I was holding it together. We said we’ll this is it I think. Gave hugs. Said come over anytime you want tomorrow morning. And then he left to walk home. The door shut. Cassie locked it, looked at me and started to cry. I couldn’t look at her because then I would start crying and I told her this. The good thing is that we made it upstairs before we both really broke down and hugged and cried. Bennett had been an incredible friend this semester. We saw him regularly and he fit into the weird and sometimes odd friendship of me and cassie. He just got along with both of us perfectly. And it wasn’t us saying be friends with us and forcing it, he also wanted to hangout with us. He wanted to see us tonight before he left even though he still had his clean checks to do. And on Thursday he came to the movies with us even though he had an essay to write. And those are just the small and most recent moments. 

I’m so happy we could develop and form this friendship. And that’s what makes tonight so hard. We don’t know if we’re ever going to see each other again! What a horrible thought. It’s true though. This is what no one tells you about college. You make amazing friendships. You get into this awful habit of saying a cheap-o goodbye at the end of the year because you know you’ll see them again. But then senior year happens. And people are going to Colorado, Texas, California, Idaho, and Massachusetts, and you’re not sure when you’re going to see each other again. Some of them, like cassie and Allegra and Kelly, you know you’ll stay in touch and that you’ll see them again. But other friends, you’re not sure. No one knows when you’ll be able to hangout next and see each other.

That’s the sad and awful truth about graduation. I’m beyond excited to see my family again. I haven’t seen any of them since January! It’s been too long. I’m also so excited to see anna and Mal again and be home. But the thought of not knowing when exactly cassie and I are going to be together and if I’ll ever see Bennett again. Man that tears a hole in my heart. 

I love the people that I spent this semester with. I hung out with friends so frequently, we went on adventures, made new rituals, made future plans, and I like to think that we made little impacts on each other’s lives. I’m signing off for now because cassie is currently asleep with her phone on her forehead and laptop still open and bennett hasn’t texted us to tell us that he’s home yet. 

I’m so annoying

Hi people who don’t actually read this blog. I’m obnoxious and I’m sorry for it. Like I’m annoying myself by writing this post but I feel like it needs to be done. So here we go, another annoying post about B and my thoughts on us.

I’ve been sad and annoyed because I’ve thought that he liked me and he would flirt and then nothing and just keep going back and forth. Which is super annoying because it’s the worst when that happens. But this week has been different and I’ve decided/came to the conclusion that we really are good friends. I love that the three of us (cassie, B, and me) can hang out until 2am talking about friends we have in common, middle names, cassie’s inability to keep spoilers to herself, and super awkward old photos of us on Facebook. I love that and I want to continue to have nights like that.

Which brings me to my second point! This year I felt like something was coming, and it’s probably still going to happen with finding someone or whatever, and I thought that was going to be B. But it’s not going to be him. Do you know what he is going to be? He’s that guy friend that makes my last semester fun and interesting and makes sure that we do things every weekend and that we try new things and stay up until 2am or 1am past curfew. I am so happy to have these people as my friends and I’m going to try to take more pictures of these moments because it’s great. They’re some of my favorites and sometimes you just need to get over the fact that you’re taking pictures of someone and just be blatant about it and take the picture.

Sanity

In order to preserve my sanity I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop send B snapchats, no more replying to snapchats, and I’ll only ever text him on our group chat. That way I don’t think about things and about how he doesn’t reply to my snaps but cassie and B snap frequently and text frequently. 

I’m also going to stop bringing him up in conversations. I won’t invite him to things unless cassie brings it up first and then if she does I’ll agree, but I’m going to give them more space. 

This is going to be good for me. Those things we’re bringing negative thoughts to my mind and I started to get really jealous of cassie. And I don’t want that to change us so I’m going to change things then. She doesn’t see any of this as an issue, but she does dodge my inquiries. So I do think that there are things that she’s not telling me, and that’s fine. It’s not in my nature to be secretive because I don’t see the point. I like talking about my life and the people I’m in touch with. I used to want to be more secretive when my friends were being that way. Mainly cassie and kelly. You know what though? I hate doing that. I hate becoming more secretive just to prove my friends how it feels. That’s mean and I want to stop that bad habit of mine. I mean the only secretive thing really is this blog. It’s my diary though and no one who I know reads this and I like it that way. 

But back to B. He doesn’t really put in the effort to be my friend. He’s friends with cassie and I for sure, but I do see that he and cassie interact so much more. I don’t want to get in the way of that so I’m going to take a step back. At least phone interaction wise. It’s harder when it’s in person. Last night I accidentally was giving B straight heart eyes. It was not on purpose but I was tired and I wasn’t thinking about it so it wasn’t intentional? Idk. This feels good though. I’m glad I got it out in a healthy way and that I made a plan. Hopefully I follow said plan, but who knows! 

A Last Semester

It’s the last semester. And in some other post I’ll talk about how much this means and the hopes and anxieties that I have. But for now we’re going to talk about social things? I know. It’s weird. Cassie and I actually have a social life. Every Wednesday and Saturday we have plans with our friend Bennett. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I do Zumba with Kenzie. And usually we also see Bennett on Friday and or another day besides the two. 

It’s really great? It’s fun to have friends and to do things besides just staying in all the time. We leave the house and we have other friends! But Bennett. He’s great. And cassie and I agree that he’s so great, if you catch my drift. And I’ve had such anxieties about thoughts that I’ve had about him about how he might think of me and how it all comes back to cassie and I. Today was a day like that. Just odd feelings, not knowing where I stand, and annoyance with cassie. 

As I was stewing I had such a great thought. Boys are not worth me being annoyed with my best friend for no reason. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and neither of us know how he feels about us. So why get weird about it??? She’s so great and wonderful and I won’t let something as petty as a boy get in between a friendship that is going to last a lifetime. 

Why are all my posts about boys

Hello hi it’s been a hot second since I’ve written a post. And of course it’s about a boy, but no one else is reading this so I don’t really care. 

Cassie and I have vowed to be more social this semester, and even though it’s only the second week of school we are already super social. Like we have plans every Saturday, did something on Sunday, had a movie night tonight, and have plans on Friday and Saturday. All with the same friend, B. He and cassie knew each other from classes but she expanded and now I’d like to think I’m also friends with him as well. There is an issue, we both like him. 

It’s weird. Hundred percent weird. Because we both like him and we both are telling the other to go for it. We had the uncomfortable conversation tonight and it basically came down to, “if he likes one of us then awesome. The other person is willing and prepared to bury all feelings and vice versa.” But it’s still odd. I love cassie, she’s my best friend and we always will be and no boy will ever change that. 

That being said I really do like B. And the worst part is that I think he likes me but I can’t ask cassie to scope out the feelings for me. I have to figure it out on my own. Well not entirely. I will be praying about this quite a bit, but it’s hard. 

I had to get that all out because man that has been on my shoulders and thoughts in my head for a week and a half now. 

Saying goodbye

It’s 11:33pm on April 6th 2017, it also happens to be the last night that me, kelly, and cassie are going to share a room together. It’s an odd feeling. To see a friend graduate, to know that she’s leaving and 2/3rds of you are staying. I’ve felt off all day, knowing that this is the last time we’ll all be living together. 

How do you say goodbye to one of the first people you met and became friends with and then lives with for three years? I sure as hell don’t know. My stomache has been in weird knots all day, knowing that this is the end. I know I’ll see kelly again, I know, but saying goodbye to her is something I’m not ready for. She’s been my person that I know I can go to and complain about family, friends, boys, classes and she will always be there with a response. We can freak out over cute boys and loud people and scream song in the car until 2am. She’s been my person to talk to. Someone that I know when I just need to complain about things and yell for 15 minutes, she’ll let me and agree with me. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing person as my friend. 

I remember freshman year when we met. It was my first college class ever and I was freaking out, but I remember my mom telling me to just introduce myself. So I’m waiting in the hallway for the class before to leave and I’m saying hi to all these people who are also waiting. I said hi to this girl who just looked like she had it all together. She was nice and friendly so we sat next to each other in class. Our teacher made us do a weird group activity where we had to order pictures. Kelly and I thought that our pictures went near each other and so we were put in a group for the rest of the semester. I’m so grateful for that class and for her. There were so many odd events that lead me to taking that class getting accepted, not checking my email, not knowing what classes I had to take, panicking at 11:30 at night in NC and making my mom register for classes with me, signing up for the last English class avalible that didn’t have a waitlist, and then finally saying hi to this nice girl in the hallway. 

I don’t know how the next semester will go. I’m not sure if I’ll see kelly again, wait no, that’s a lie. I know I will. I love her so much and she has impacted my life in such a beneficial way that I could never not be in touch with her. I don’t know how we’ll say goodbye. Probably tomorrow night in our beds and crying. But it will be sweet, tender, and just a little awkward. Just like us. 

Someday I’ll show her this post and we can cry about how old we are, how we’re still friends and how I probably forgot some detail, but for now this is a post for me. So I can remember this little point in time when I lived with two of my best friends and I had to say goodbye to them. 

Frustrations of Finals Week

Finals week is coming up and so therefore tensions are high, annoyances are worse, homework is terrible, and sleep is non-exsistant. This finals week is a little harder than most, all because my dear sweet Kelly is graduating and she’ll be gone from us. It’s incredibly sad to think about, I’m going to miss her so much! She has been part of every year of my college life and I’ve lived with her more semesters than not and I’ve loved it. Has it been hard and has it made our relationship struggle at times; yes. But what friendship hasn’t had this hard struggle at times, especially when you consider the fact that I’ve lived with her for the past two years. But I love her so deeply and so much. She has been such an amazing friend to have up here. She’s guided me in so many ways, made me laugh so hard and made me feel better about all of the netflix that I was watching.

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