It’s been a day today. Politically sort of awful, america in general is being sort of awful and that really weighs a person down. But on top of all the things that are going wrong socially, politically, and environmentally, it’s just been a bad day!

I woke up this morning and I had a dream about B. I’m not going to get into details on here about it because I don’t think this is something I want to really remember. It wasn’t a bad dream! I feel like I have to say this, it was in no way a bad dream. It was a really great dream actually, so great in fact that when I first woke up I thought it was real and when I realized it wasn’t it ruined me. Honestly. All day today I’ve been in a funk because of this stupid dream about a stupid boy who’s my friend and who lives literally across the country from me and whom I probably won’t see for like years and only sees me as a friend. I mean he has more in common with cassie than he does me. I’m legitimately wondering why we’re even friends? Are we only friends just because cassie is always with us?

You know what no. This is a bad hole to go down and I’m not gonna do it. He thinks I’m funny, we have similar views on life, and he’s the kind of guy where if he didn’t want to be your friend he wouldn’t be. So we are friends and I’m positive he could have a full in good and natural conversation just between the two of us.

Anyway, this dream did me wrong in terms of my psyche and I hate it. The worst is it’s an embarrassing dream and I could never tell cassie I had a dream about him, I only told kelly just that information, and Maniesse is the only one who knows almost all the details. I’m embarrassed by it!!! I mean who has dreams about boys who aren’t even interested in them?? Apparently I do. I wonder what it means?

But this dream situation has also brought me down a bad thought situation of no guys have ever been interested in me and when they are I’m always like, “no not that one” I’ve had one boyfriend and that was 5 years ago and he got married a couple of months ago (something I’m totally fine and okay with). I haven’t kissed a guy since then and I have no way of meeting new guys and I don’t want to use tinder. It makes me feel yucky and like I shouldn’t be doing it. I’m at a loss. I want to have that part of my life sorted out or at least working towards it in some way and I’m not and I don’t know how to. I miss being in rexburg and being near a large group of other Mormons. Life was weird and sometimes not fun, but it made me want to be better and I had options of friends and romantic interests. No non Mormon guy is ever going to be interested in a relationship with me.

That’s all I want to say though. I could keep going on about how I feel lonely and and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way and I feel like my life is sinking down while everyone else is zooming and going far ahead of me or they at least know where they’re going. But if I keep doing that then I would be up all night and I just want to play sims, listen to music, and then read and really good bad romance book until I fall asleep.



Well hey there! It’s been a while, like a month it’s been a while. So I have a couple of posts that I’m going to write! This is all about graduation. The feelings, what happened, the friends, and the pictures!

So bad picture but it’s the picture we took right after we had picked up our caps and gowns. Technically this was the day before graduation, but it was a great day that I hold dear to my tender heart.

The day before graduation was like a hot mess. We both donated plasma in the morning and I felt so sick afterwards, which is sort of normal. The weird thing was that it went on for the whole day and cassie was also feeling sick! We were both so so tired, just to the bone didn’t want to do anything, the kind of tired where it’s both not enough sleep and it felt like we had worked out for 5 hours. We were sick to our stomachs and we had to pack everything, because like the good students we were we did nothing over the weekend besides talk about how much we need to pack and then watched YouTube videos.

So we pick up our caps and gowns and took the above photo when we got back into Cassie’s car. I love this picture because you can vaguely tell that cassie and I had just been talking about how much we wanted to throw up but absolutely we’re not allowed to. If we were smart we would have packed during the weekend. We didn’t though and it was Monday and Tuesday was graduation. So we absolutely had to pack today.

We got food at Millhollow and then an hour after we finished eating we started to pack. Our upstairs was unbearably how so we were in minimal clothing while trying to both pack up our entire lives. It was pretty great because we spent the day together, delirious, over heating, feeling vomity, and also feeling this deep sad.

(I’ll talk about the sad in my other post that’s all about cassie G)

Even though it was desperately stressful, I loved it. It was so much fun to just be with cassie and doing what we do. We spent the day chilling with each other and talking and laughing and arguing over what music or podcast we should listen to. I favor music when packing and she favors my brother my brother and me the podcast.

Then much later in the day we got more food, unsuccessfully burned some homework, saw some of Cassie’s friends and ended up talking to them outside on the sidewalk for like 2 hours at 9pm, and then maniesse came! Maniesse stayed over with us and it was perfect. The three of us just get along so perfectly and I felt my heart so much! It was so full of this love that I have for my friends and through it all this underlying sadness that I was going to have to say goodbye.

Anyway. Part one of graduation and the love that I have for my friends!

It’s been a hot minute

Hey there blog! I know it feels like I’ve forgotten about you, but no worries, I haven’t. Life just got busy™. I am going to make more posts about things that have happened that I want to write about, but for now I’m going to just do a brief update. 

It’s 1:21am on July 15, 2017 and I graduate college in 3 days. Wow. I hadn’t thought about it in such short numbers until now. I feel like I’ve just been waiting for this to happen for the past 4 years and now it’s here and I sort of don’t want it to be? I had a plan for my life way back then and that is not what my life looks like now. I’m not going to say what I thought it was going to be like though because there’s no point in dwelling on things that hadn’t happened. But now it’s here! Becca, my mom, and the two kids are driving up through Canada to get here for graduation, and then my dad, Mae, and Macca are flying to Utah on Monday to meet up and then drive up with Nate on Tuesday. There’s a lot happening. 

But tonight and really this whole week, there has been a looming cloud over me saying “you have to say goodbye to chandler, marissa, and bennett, this weekend” and it’s Friday. Chandler and Marissa left today for Yellowstone so I said a brief goodbye on Thursday. Which I loved because I like short and to the point goodbye with a lot of hang out time that leads up to the goodbye. But tonight cassie and I had to say goodbye to Bennett. He came over and spent the evening at our house. He came over at like 10 and left at 1. 

I was holding it together. We said we’ll this is it I think. Gave hugs. Said come over anytime you want tomorrow morning. And then he left to walk home. The door shut. Cassie locked it, looked at me and started to cry. I couldn’t look at her because then I would start crying and I told her this. The good thing is that we made it upstairs before we both really broke down and hugged and cried. Bennett had been an incredible friend this semester. We saw him regularly and he fit into the weird and sometimes odd friendship of me and cassie. He just got along with both of us perfectly. And it wasn’t us saying be friends with us and forcing it, he also wanted to hangout with us. He wanted to see us tonight before he left even though he still had his clean checks to do. And on Thursday he came to the movies with us even though he had an essay to write. And those are just the small and most recent moments. 

I’m so happy we could develop and form this friendship. And that’s what makes tonight so hard. We don’t know if we’re ever going to see each other again! What a horrible thought. It’s true though. This is what no one tells you about college. You make amazing friendships. You get into this awful habit of saying a cheap-o goodbye at the end of the year because you know you’ll see them again. But then senior year happens. And people are going to Colorado, Texas, California, Idaho, and Massachusetts, and you’re not sure when you’re going to see each other again. Some of them, like cassie and Allegra and Kelly, you know you’ll stay in touch and that you’ll see them again. But other friends, you’re not sure. No one knows when you’ll be able to hangout next and see each other.

That’s the sad and awful truth about graduation. I’m beyond excited to see my family again. I haven’t seen any of them since January! It’s been too long. I’m also so excited to see anna and Mal again and be home. But the thought of not knowing when exactly cassie and I are going to be together and if I’ll ever see Bennett again. Man that tears a hole in my heart. 

I love the people that I spent this semester with. I hung out with friends so frequently, we went on adventures, made new rituals, made future plans, and I like to think that we made little impacts on each other’s lives. I’m signing off for now because cassie is currently asleep with her phone on her forehead and laptop still open and bennett hasn’t texted us to tell us that he’s home yet. 

I’m so annoying

Hi people who don’t actually read this blog. I’m obnoxious and I’m sorry for it. Like I’m annoying myself by writing this post but I feel like it needs to be done. So here we go, another annoying post about B and my thoughts on us.

I’ve been sad and annoyed because I’ve thought that he liked me and he would flirt and then nothing and just keep going back and forth. Which is super annoying because it’s the worst when that happens. But this week has been different and I’ve decided/came to the conclusion that we really are good friends. I love that the three of us (cassie, B, and me) can hang out until 2am talking about friends we have in common, middle names, cassie’s inability to keep spoilers to herself, and super awkward old photos of us on Facebook. I love that and I want to continue to have nights like that.

Which brings me to my second point! This year I felt like something was coming, and it’s probably still going to happen with finding someone or whatever, and I thought that was going to be B. But it’s not going to be him. Do you know what he is going to be? He’s that guy friend that makes my last semester fun and interesting and makes sure that we do things every weekend and that we try new things and stay up until 2am or 1am past curfew. I am so happy to have these people as my friends and I’m going to try to take more pictures of these moments because it’s great. They’re some of my favorites and sometimes you just need to get over the fact that you’re taking pictures of someone and just be blatant about it and take the picture.


In order to preserve my sanity I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop send B snapchats, no more replying to snapchats, and I’ll only ever text him on our group chat. That way I don’t think about things and about how he doesn’t reply to my snaps but cassie and B snap frequently and text frequently. 

I’m also going to stop bringing him up in conversations. I won’t invite him to things unless cassie brings it up first and then if she does I’ll agree, but I’m going to give them more space. 

This is going to be good for me. Those things we’re bringing negative thoughts to my mind and I started to get really jealous of cassie. And I don’t want that to change us so I’m going to change things then. She doesn’t see any of this as an issue, but she does dodge my inquiries. So I do think that there are things that she’s not telling me, and that’s fine. It’s not in my nature to be secretive because I don’t see the point. I like talking about my life and the people I’m in touch with. I used to want to be more secretive when my friends were being that way. Mainly cassie and kelly. You know what though? I hate doing that. I hate becoming more secretive just to prove my friends how it feels. That’s mean and I want to stop that bad habit of mine. I mean the only secretive thing really is this blog. It’s my diary though and no one who I know reads this and I like it that way. 

But back to B. He doesn’t really put in the effort to be my friend. He’s friends with cassie and I for sure, but I do see that he and cassie interact so much more. I don’t want to get in the way of that so I’m going to take a step back. At least phone interaction wise. It’s harder when it’s in person. Last night I accidentally was giving B straight heart eyes. It was not on purpose but I was tired and I wasn’t thinking about it so it wasn’t intentional? Idk. This feels good though. I’m glad I got it out in a healthy way and that I made a plan. Hopefully I follow said plan, but who knows! 

A Last Semester

It’s the last semester. And in some other post I’ll talk about how much this means and the hopes and anxieties that I have. But for now we’re going to talk about social things? I know. It’s weird. Cassie and I actually have a social life. Every Wednesday and Saturday we have plans with our friend Bennett. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I do Zumba with Kenzie. And usually we also see Bennett on Friday and or another day besides the two. 

It’s really great? It’s fun to have friends and to do things besides just staying in all the time. We leave the house and we have other friends! But Bennett. He’s great. And cassie and I agree that he’s so great, if you catch my drift. And I’ve had such anxieties about thoughts that I’ve had about him about how he might think of me and how it all comes back to cassie and I. Today was a day like that. Just odd feelings, not knowing where I stand, and annoyance with cassie. 

As I was stewing I had such a great thought. Boys are not worth me being annoyed with my best friend for no reason. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and neither of us know how he feels about us. So why get weird about it??? She’s so great and wonderful and I won’t let something as petty as a boy get in between a friendship that is going to last a lifetime.