I’m so annoying

Hi people who don’t actually read this blog. I’m obnoxious and I’m sorry for it. Like I’m annoying myself by writing this post but I feel like it needs to be done. So here we go, another annoying post about B and my thoughts on us.

I’ve been sad and annoyed because I’ve thought that he liked me and he would flirt and then nothing and just keep going back and forth. Which is super annoying because it’s the worst when that happens. But this week has been different and I’ve decided/came to the conclusion that we really are good friends. I love that the three of us (cassie, B, and me) can hang out until 2am talking about friends we have in common, middle names, cassie’s inability to keep spoilers to herself, and super awkward old photos of us on Facebook. I love that and I want to continue to have nights like that.

Which brings me to my second point! This year I felt like something was coming, and it’s probably still going to happen with finding someone or whatever, and I thought that was going to be B. But it’s not going to be him. Do you know what he is going to be? He’s that guy friend that makes my last semester fun and interesting and makes sure that we do things every weekend and that we try new things and stay up until 2am or 1am past curfew. I am so happy to have these people as my friends and I’m going to try to take more pictures of these moments because it’s great. They’re some of my favorites and sometimes you just need to get over the fact that you’re taking pictures of someone and just be blatant about it and take the picture.

Sanity

In order to preserve my sanity I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop send B snapchats, no more replying to snapchats, and I’ll only ever text him on our group chat. That way I don’t think about things and about how he doesn’t reply to my snaps but cassie and B snap frequently and text frequently. 

I’m also going to stop bringing him up in conversations. I won’t invite him to things unless cassie brings it up first and then if she does I’ll agree, but I’m going to give them more space. 

This is going to be good for me. Those things we’re bringing negative thoughts to my mind and I started to get really jealous of cassie. And I don’t want that to change us so I’m going to change things then. She doesn’t see any of this as an issue, but she does dodge my inquiries. So I do think that there are things that she’s not telling me, and that’s fine. It’s not in my nature to be secretive because I don’t see the point. I like talking about my life and the people I’m in touch with. I used to want to be more secretive when my friends were being that way. Mainly cassie and kelly. You know what though? I hate doing that. I hate becoming more secretive just to prove my friends how it feels. That’s mean and I want to stop that bad habit of mine. I mean the only secretive thing really is this blog. It’s my diary though and no one who I know reads this and I like it that way. 

But back to B. He doesn’t really put in the effort to be my friend. He’s friends with cassie and I for sure, but I do see that he and cassie interact so much more. I don’t want to get in the way of that so I’m going to take a step back. At least phone interaction wise. It’s harder when it’s in person. Last night I accidentally was giving B straight heart eyes. It was not on purpose but I was tired and I wasn’t thinking about it so it wasn’t intentional? Idk. This feels good though. I’m glad I got it out in a healthy way and that I made a plan. Hopefully I follow said plan, but who knows! 

A Last Semester

It’s the last semester. And in some other post I’ll talk about how much this means and the hopes and anxieties that I have. But for now we’re going to talk about social things? I know. It’s weird. Cassie and I actually have a social life. Every Wednesday and Saturday we have plans with our friend Bennett. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I do Zumba with Kenzie. And usually we also see Bennett on Friday and or another day besides the two. 

It’s really great? It’s fun to have friends and to do things besides just staying in all the time. We leave the house and we have other friends! But Bennett. He’s great. And cassie and I agree that he’s so great, if you catch my drift. And I’ve had such anxieties about thoughts that I’ve had about him about how he might think of me and how it all comes back to cassie and I. Today was a day like that. Just odd feelings, not knowing where I stand, and annoyance with cassie. 

As I was stewing I had such a great thought. Boys are not worth me being annoyed with my best friend for no reason. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and neither of us know how he feels about us. So why get weird about it??? She’s so great and wonderful and I won’t let something as petty as a boy get in between a friendship that is going to last a lifetime. 

Why are all my posts about boys

Hello hi it’s been a hot second since I’ve written a post. And of course it’s about a boy, but no one else is reading this so I don’t really care. 

Cassie and I have vowed to be more social this semester, and even though it’s only the second week of school we are already super social. Like we have plans every Saturday, did something on Sunday, had a movie night tonight, and have plans on Friday and Saturday. All with the same friend, B. He and cassie knew each other from classes but she expanded and now I’d like to think I’m also friends with him as well. There is an issue, we both like him. 

It’s weird. Hundred percent weird. Because we both like him and we both are telling the other to go for it. We had the uncomfortable conversation tonight and it basically came down to, “if he likes one of us then awesome. The other person is willing and prepared to bury all feelings and vice versa.” But it’s still odd. I love cassie, she’s my best friend and we always will be and no boy will ever change that. 

That being said I really do like B. And the worst part is that I think he likes me but I can’t ask cassie to scope out the feelings for me. I have to figure it out on my own. Well not entirely. I will be praying about this quite a bit, but it’s hard. 

I had to get that all out because man that has been on my shoulders and thoughts in my head for a week and a half now. 

Frustrations of Finals Week

Finals week is coming up and so therefore tensions are high, annoyances are worse, homework is terrible, and sleep is non-exsistant. This finals week is a little harder than most, all because my dear sweet Kelly is graduating and she’ll be gone from us. It’s incredibly sad to think about, I’m going to miss her so much! She has been part of every year of my college life and I’ve lived with her more semesters than not and I’ve loved it. Has it been hard and has it made our relationship struggle at times; yes. But what friendship hasn’t had this hard struggle at times, especially when you consider the fact that I’ve lived with her for the past two years. But I love her so deeply and so much. She has been such an amazing friend to have up here. She’s guided me in so many ways, made me laugh so hard and made me feel better about all of the netflix that I was watching.

Continue reading “Frustrations of Finals Week”

Homesick

A couple of weekends ago was a rough one. It was not great, like no part of it really. Since coming out to start college in Idaho, a state I was completely unfamiliar with and where I knew absolutely no one, I have only been truly and deeply homesick a couple of times. More often than not I’m homesick right as I’m leaving home. As in im still in Hatfield and I’m saying goodbye and all I can think is “I just really want to be home. I don’t want to leave. No part of me wants to leave.” But when I get to Idaho it’s fine, I still hate saying goodbye to my parents, but they’ve only driven me out to Idaho once. Usually I fly out to Idaho by myself and by the time I’m onto my second flight I’m okay. A little sad to be away from family again, but getting better.

Continue reading “Homesick”