Today

It’s been a day today. Politically sort of awful, america in general is being sort of awful and that really weighs a person down. But on top of all the things that are going wrong socially, politically, and environmentally, it’s just been a bad day!

I woke up this morning and I had a dream about B. I’m not going to get into details on here about it because I don’t think this is something I want to really remember. It wasn’t a bad dream! I feel like I have to say this, it was in no way a bad dream. It was a really great dream actually, so great in fact that when I first woke up I thought it was real and when I realized it wasn’t it ruined me. Honestly. All day today I’ve been in a funk because of this stupid dream about a stupid boy who’s my friend and who lives literally across the country from me and whom I probably won’t see for like years and only sees me as a friend. I mean he has more in common with cassie than he does me. I’m legitimately wondering why we’re even friends? Are we only friends just because cassie is always with us?

You know what no. This is a bad hole to go down and I’m not gonna do it. He thinks I’m funny, we have similar views on life, and he’s the kind of guy where if he didn’t want to be your friend he wouldn’t be. So we are friends and I’m positive he could have a full in good and natural conversation just between the two of us.

Anyway, this dream did me wrong in terms of my psyche and I hate it. The worst is it’s an embarrassing dream and I could never tell cassie I had a dream about him, I only told kelly just that information, and Maniesse is the only one who knows almost all the details. I’m embarrassed by it!!! I mean who has dreams about boys who aren’t even interested in them?? Apparently I do. I wonder what it means?

But this dream situation has also brought me down a bad thought situation of no guys have ever been interested in me and when they are I’m always like, “no not that one” I’ve had one boyfriend and that was 5 years ago and he got married a couple of months ago (something I’m totally fine and okay with). I haven’t kissed a guy since then and I have no way of meeting new guys and I don’t want to use tinder. It makes me feel yucky and like I shouldn’t be doing it. I’m at a loss. I want to have that part of my life sorted out or at least working towards it in some way and I’m not and I don’t know how to. I miss being in rexburg and being near a large group of other Mormons. Life was weird and sometimes not fun, but it made me want to be better and I had options of friends and romantic interests. No non Mormon guy is ever going to be interested in a relationship with me.

That’s all I want to say though. I could keep going on about how I feel lonely and and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way and I feel like my life is sinking down while everyone else is zooming and going far ahead of me or they at least know where they’re going. But if I keep doing that then I would be up all night and I just want to play sims, listen to music, and then read and really good bad romance book until I fall asleep.

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Sanity

In order to preserve my sanity I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop send B snapchats, no more replying to snapchats, and I’ll only ever text him on our group chat. That way I don’t think about things and about how he doesn’t reply to my snaps but cassie and B snap frequently and text frequently. 

I’m also going to stop bringing him up in conversations. I won’t invite him to things unless cassie brings it up first and then if she does I’ll agree, but I’m going to give them more space. 

This is going to be good for me. Those things we’re bringing negative thoughts to my mind and I started to get really jealous of cassie. And I don’t want that to change us so I’m going to change things then. She doesn’t see any of this as an issue, but she does dodge my inquiries. So I do think that there are things that she’s not telling me, and that’s fine. It’s not in my nature to be secretive because I don’t see the point. I like talking about my life and the people I’m in touch with. I used to want to be more secretive when my friends were being that way. Mainly cassie and kelly. You know what though? I hate doing that. I hate becoming more secretive just to prove my friends how it feels. That’s mean and I want to stop that bad habit of mine. I mean the only secretive thing really is this blog. It’s my diary though and no one who I know reads this and I like it that way. 

But back to B. He doesn’t really put in the effort to be my friend. He’s friends with cassie and I for sure, but I do see that he and cassie interact so much more. I don’t want to get in the way of that so I’m going to take a step back. At least phone interaction wise. It’s harder when it’s in person. Last night I accidentally was giving B straight heart eyes. It was not on purpose but I was tired and I wasn’t thinking about it so it wasn’t intentional? Idk. This feels good though. I’m glad I got it out in a healthy way and that I made a plan. Hopefully I follow said plan, but who knows! 

A Last Semester

It’s the last semester. And in some other post I’ll talk about how much this means and the hopes and anxieties that I have. But for now we’re going to talk about social things? I know. It’s weird. Cassie and I actually have a social life. Every Wednesday and Saturday we have plans with our friend Bennett. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I do Zumba with Kenzie. And usually we also see Bennett on Friday and or another day besides the two. 

It’s really great? It’s fun to have friends and to do things besides just staying in all the time. We leave the house and we have other friends! But Bennett. He’s great. And cassie and I agree that he’s so great, if you catch my drift. And I’ve had such anxieties about thoughts that I’ve had about him about how he might think of me and how it all comes back to cassie and I. Today was a day like that. Just odd feelings, not knowing where I stand, and annoyance with cassie. 

As I was stewing I had such a great thought. Boys are not worth me being annoyed with my best friend for no reason. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and neither of us know how he feels about us. So why get weird about it??? She’s so great and wonderful and I won’t let something as petty as a boy get in between a friendship that is going to last a lifetime. 

Why are all my posts about boys

Hello hi it’s been a hot second since I’ve written a post. And of course it’s about a boy, but no one else is reading this so I don’t really care. 

Cassie and I have vowed to be more social this semester, and even though it’s only the second week of school we are already super social. Like we have plans every Saturday, did something on Sunday, had a movie night tonight, and have plans on Friday and Saturday. All with the same friend, B. He and cassie knew each other from classes but she expanded and now I’d like to think I’m also friends with him as well. There is an issue, we both like him. 

It’s weird. Hundred percent weird. Because we both like him and we both are telling the other to go for it. We had the uncomfortable conversation tonight and it basically came down to, “if he likes one of us then awesome. The other person is willing and prepared to bury all feelings and vice versa.” But it’s still odd. I love cassie, she’s my best friend and we always will be and no boy will ever change that. 

That being said I really do like B. And the worst part is that I think he likes me but I can’t ask cassie to scope out the feelings for me. I have to figure it out on my own. Well not entirely. I will be praying about this quite a bit, but it’s hard. 

I had to get that all out because man that has been on my shoulders and thoughts in my head for a week and a half now. 

Let’s go back…

Hi hello! Today I have an essay to write, a relief society lesson to plan, zumba to attend, friends to catch up with, reading to do, a quiz to take, ahead work to understand, and sleep to be had. You know what though? All I want to do is think about Ireland and have money to go back there. Which brings me to the thought of applying to a job, it would be a call center. I’m not sure if I can do it because I have so much homework and a job is a lot of time that I’m not sure I have.

Continue reading “Let’s go back…”

Well then…

Have you ever said something and then immediately regretted it? So that happened tonight. Cassie and Kelly and I decided at 9:30 tonight that we needed ice cream. It was such a fun drive to be in the car and to drive and listen to music and yell/scream at each other. I love these girls so much and I never want them to be out of my life. 

So after we got our ice cream and we were sitting in the car in the parking lot of DQ I decided to tell them something. I told them that I think I like paper boi and now I regret. Kelly had mentioned that she thought there was something there for us. But I’m afraid that Cassie likes him. So now I’m worried that I shouldn’t have said anything. I almost wish I had kept it to myself as a little secret. I wanted to tell them though and I did. So now I have to handle the consequences of that. 

But all in all it was a good day. I was lazy, ate donuts, worked out, did HW, and talked to Michael for a while. So all in all a very good day.