In order to preserve my sanity I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop send B snapchats, no more replying to snapchats, and I’ll only ever text him on our group chat. That way I don’t think about things and about how he doesn’t reply to my snaps but cassie and B snap frequently and text frequently. 

I’m also going to stop bringing him up in conversations. I won’t invite him to things unless cassie brings it up first and then if she does I’ll agree, but I’m going to give them more space. 

This is going to be good for me. Those things we’re bringing negative thoughts to my mind and I started to get really jealous of cassie. And I don’t want that to change us so I’m going to change things then. She doesn’t see any of this as an issue, but she does dodge my inquiries. So I do think that there are things that she’s not telling me, and that’s fine. It’s not in my nature to be secretive because I don’t see the point. I like talking about my life and the people I’m in touch with. I used to want to be more secretive when my friends were being that way. Mainly cassie and kelly. You know what though? I hate doing that. I hate becoming more secretive just to prove my friends how it feels. That’s mean and I want to stop that bad habit of mine. I mean the only secretive thing really is this blog. It’s my diary though and no one who I know reads this and I like it that way. 

But back to B. He doesn’t really put in the effort to be my friend. He’s friends with cassie and I for sure, but I do see that he and cassie interact so much more. I don’t want to get in the way of that so I’m going to take a step back. At least phone interaction wise. It’s harder when it’s in person. Last night I accidentally was giving B straight heart eyes. It was not on purpose but I was tired and I wasn’t thinking about it so it wasn’t intentional? Idk. This feels good though. I’m glad I got it out in a healthy way and that I made a plan. Hopefully I follow said plan, but who knows! 


A Last Semester

It’s the last semester. And in some other post I’ll talk about how much this means and the hopes and anxieties that I have. But for now we’re going to talk about social things? I know. It’s weird. Cassie and I actually have a social life. Every Wednesday and Saturday we have plans with our friend Bennett. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I do Zumba with Kenzie. And usually we also see Bennett on Friday and or another day besides the two. 

It’s really great? It’s fun to have friends and to do things besides just staying in all the time. We leave the house and we have other friends! But Bennett. He’s great. And cassie and I agree that he’s so great, if you catch my drift. And I’ve had such anxieties about thoughts that I’ve had about him about how he might think of me and how it all comes back to cassie and I. Today was a day like that. Just odd feelings, not knowing where I stand, and annoyance with cassie. 

As I was stewing I had such a great thought. Boys are not worth me being annoyed with my best friend for no reason. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and neither of us know how he feels about us. So why get weird about it??? She’s so great and wonderful and I won’t let something as petty as a boy get in between a friendship that is going to last a lifetime. 

Why are all my posts about boys

Hello hi it’s been a hot second since I’ve written a post. And of course it’s about a boy, but no one else is reading this so I don’t really care. 

Cassie and I have vowed to be more social this semester, and even though it’s only the second week of school we are already super social. Like we have plans every Saturday, did something on Sunday, had a movie night tonight, and have plans on Friday and Saturday. All with the same friend, B. He and cassie knew each other from classes but she expanded and now I’d like to think I’m also friends with him as well. There is an issue, we both like him. 

It’s weird. Hundred percent weird. Because we both like him and we both are telling the other to go for it. We had the uncomfortable conversation tonight and it basically came down to, “if he likes one of us then awesome. The other person is willing and prepared to bury all feelings and vice versa.” But it’s still odd. I love cassie, she’s my best friend and we always will be and no boy will ever change that. 

That being said I really do like B. And the worst part is that I think he likes me but I can’t ask cassie to scope out the feelings for me. I have to figure it out on my own. Well not entirely. I will be praying about this quite a bit, but it’s hard. 

I had to get that all out because man that has been on my shoulders and thoughts in my head for a week and a half now. 

Saying goodbye

It’s 11:33pm on April 6th 2017, it also happens to be the last night that me, kelly, and cassie are going to share a room together. It’s an odd feeling. To see a friend graduate, to know that she’s leaving and 2/3rds of you are staying. I’ve felt off all day, knowing that this is the last time we’ll all be living together. 

How do you say goodbye to one of the first people you met and became friends with and then lives with for three years? I sure as hell don’t know. My stomache has been in weird knots all day, knowing that this is the end. I know I’ll see kelly again, I know, but saying goodbye to her is something I’m not ready for. She’s been my person that I know I can go to and complain about family, friends, boys, classes and she will always be there with a response. We can freak out over cute boys and loud people and scream song in the car until 2am. She’s been my person to talk to. Someone that I know when I just need to complain about things and yell for 15 minutes, she’ll let me and agree with me. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing person as my friend. 

I remember freshman year when we met. It was my first college class ever and I was freaking out, but I remember my mom telling me to just introduce myself. So I’m waiting in the hallway for the class before to leave and I’m saying hi to all these people who are also waiting. I said hi to this girl who just looked like she had it all together. She was nice and friendly so we sat next to each other in class. Our teacher made us do a weird group activity where we had to order pictures. Kelly and I thought that our pictures went near each other and so we were put in a group for the rest of the semester. I’m so grateful for that class and for her. There were so many odd events that lead me to taking that class getting accepted, not checking my email, not knowing what classes I had to take, panicking at 11:30 at night in NC and making my mom register for classes with me, signing up for the last English class avalible that didn’t have a waitlist, and then finally saying hi to this nice girl in the hallway. 

I don’t know how the next semester will go. I’m not sure if I’ll see kelly again, wait no, that’s a lie. I know I will. I love her so much and she has impacted my life in such a beneficial way that I could never not be in touch with her. I don’t know how we’ll say goodbye. Probably tomorrow night in our beds and crying. But it will be sweet, tender, and just a little awkward. Just like us. 

Someday I’ll show her this post and we can cry about how old we are, how we’re still friends and how I probably forgot some detail, but for now this is a post for me. So I can remember this little point in time when I lived with two of my best friends and I had to say goodbye to them. 

Frustrations of Finals Week

Finals week is coming up and so therefore tensions are high, annoyances are worse, homework is terrible, and sleep is non-exsistant. This finals week is a little harder than most, all because my dear sweet Kelly is graduating and she’ll be gone from us. It’s incredibly sad to think about, I’m going to miss her so much! She has been part of every year of my college life and I’ve lived with her more semesters than not and I’ve loved it. Has it been hard and has it made our relationship struggle at times; yes. But what friendship hasn’t had this hard struggle at times, especially when you consider the fact that I’ve lived with her for the past two years. But I love her so deeply and so much. She has been such an amazing friend to have up here. She’s guided me in so many ways, made me laugh so hard and made me feel better about all of the netflix that I was watching.

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12:40 pm scrolls on instragm aren’t good for your mental health

Okay. So many emotions are happening right now and I was going to text it all to Maniesse but then the other part of my brain said, “blog it”. So here we are. My instagram feed is full of couples and it’s making me sad. I’m usually not one to get upset over not being in a relationship but this week has been hard. Here’s my big secret(among many) and it’s that I do want to be married. I want to be with someone. I want to have cuddles and kisses and late Saturday mornings and the getting ready for church. I want to watch movies and cuddle and fall asleep together. I want them to drag me out of bed to do fun things and to laze around all day doing nothing. J want to be in a relationship. It’s really pathetic and I hate that I want it and I hate that I’m not in one. I sometimes struggle a lot with the fact that I’m not dating anyone and that I’m not married. The reason for that is because I have a lot of things that need work right now and I’m probably not ready. But it’s still hard to see relationships and to not be in one. I want to be and yet I’m not. I’m not popular on dating apps, I don’t have a lot of friends, I have The issue, I don’t go on a lot of dates, and I’m just not that girl. 

It’s really hard and I hate that pit of envy that I get every time I see a picture of a couple. It makes me so mad that I’m jealous. These are all things that I’ve been thinking about as I’ve gone through my instagram tonight. I’m not proud of myself and I really do wonder why I’m not dating anyone or why I’m not married. And then a really reassuring thought came to me(thanks Heavenly Father) and it’s that He has a plan. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but He has one. He has the guys picked out but we’re all on different timelines and we’re all doing different things. I will be married some day and it will be because of His plan. He knows what’s going to happen and I know I’m going to be married. It will happen one day, I just need to be patient. I think that He’s just waiting for me and for who ever this other guy might be. God is showing me what I want and then saying “but not this one” and though that’s hard, it’s good. When I do get into a relationship it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be fast and intense. I need to be prepared for that and that’s what God is doing. He’s preparing me. 


A couple of weekends ago was a rough one. It was not great, like no part of it really. Since coming out to start college in Idaho, a state I was completely unfamiliar with and where I knew absolutely no one, I have only been truly and deeply homesick a couple of times. More often than not I’m homesick right as I’m leaving home. As in im still in Hatfield and I’m saying goodbye and all I can think is “I just really want to be home. I don’t want to leave. No part of me wants to leave.” But when I get to Idaho it’s fine, I still hate saying goodbye to my parents, but they’ve only driven me out to Idaho once. Usually I fly out to Idaho by myself and by the time I’m onto my second flight I’m okay. A little sad to be away from family again, but getting better.

Continue reading “Homesick”