Okay. So many emotions are happening right now and I was going to text it all to Maniesse but then the other part of my brain said, “blog it”. So here we are. My instagram feed is full of couples and it’s making me sad. I’m usually not one to get upset over not being in a relationship but this week has been hard. Here’s my big secret(among many) and it’s that I do want to be married. I want to be with someone. I want to have cuddles and kisses and late Saturday mornings and the getting ready for church. I want to watch movies and cuddle and fall asleep together. I want them to drag me out of bed to do fun things and to laze around all day doing nothing. J want to be in a relationship. It’s really pathetic and I hate that I want it and I hate that I’m not in one. I sometimes struggle a lot with the fact that I’m not dating anyone and that I’m not married. The reason for that is because I have a lot of things that need work right now and I’m probably not ready. But it’s still hard to see relationships and to not be in one. I want to be and yet I’m not. I’m not popular on dating apps, I don’t have a lot of friends, I have The issue, I don’t go on a lot of dates, and I’m just not that girl.
It’s really hard and I hate that pit of envy that I get every time I see a picture of a couple. It makes me so mad that I’m jealous. These are all things that I’ve been thinking about as I’ve gone through my instagram tonight. I’m not proud of myself and I really do wonder why I’m not dating anyone or why I’m not married. And then a really reassuring thought came to me(thanks Heavenly Father) and it’s that He has a plan. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but He has one. He has the guys picked out but we’re all on different timelines and we’re all doing different things. I will be married some day and it will be because of His plan. He knows what’s going to happen and I know I’m going to be married. It will happen one day, I just need to be patient. I think that He’s just waiting for me and for who ever this other guy might be. God is showing me what I want and then saying “but not this one” and though that’s hard, it’s good. When I do get into a relationship it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be fast and intense. I need to be prepared for that and that’s what God is doing. He’s preparing me.