Homesick

A couple of weekends ago was a rough one. It was not great, like no part of it really. Since coming out to start college in Idaho, a state I was completely unfamiliar with and where I knew absolutely no one, I have only been truly and deeply homesick a couple of times. More often than not I’m homesick right as I’m leaving home. As in im still in Hatfield and I’m saying goodbye and all I can think is “I just really want to be home. I don’t want to leave. No part of me wants to leave.” But when I get to Idaho it’s fine, I still hate saying goodbye to my parents, but they’ve only driven me out to Idaho once. Usually I fly out to Idaho by myself and by the time I’m onto my second flight I’m okay. A little sad to be away from family again, but getting better.

That’s really the only time I’m homesick though. There are other times but not enough to count for anything. It usually happens when I’m about to come home, face timing with the WHOLE family, or everyone’s about to do some sort of adventure. That’s when I get twinges of “oh I miss home.” but then it’s over in about 20seconds. For the most part though that’s it, I don’t really get homesick when I’m at school, I really never have for the past almost four years. A couple weeks ago though I got into a big tiff with Kelly. I don’t want to go into details because that’s a whole other post, all I’ll say is there was a lot of lack of communication and a lot of “just ignore it and I’ll get over it”. Which for the record does not work for me, I hate confrontation but it always makes me feel better. Anyways I had a good angry cry to my mom early in the morning about it, but I started to feel better, yet not at all because I was still upset and mad. As I continued on with my day it only got worse for me, but apparently got better for Kelly? IDK all I know is that it was awful and there was an interaction and I was done. As in I grabbed my keys and phone and just left the house and went driving and called Mae.

As soon as Mae answered the phone I was in tears and the phone was on speaker with her and Jamey, but I was so mad/upset that I didn’t even care. I cried to her for like 20 minutes, just talking about the situation, how helpless I felt to work on it or fix it in anyway. I was starting to feel better about the situation, but I still felt awful and I didn’t know why. All I knew was I wanted to keep on crying and I was upset but I didn’t know why but I didn’t want Mae to hang up and I just wanted to keep crying. It was sort of pathetic and I hadn’t ever really been in that situation. I hadn’t cried in like 15mins so I thought I was all and done with, and then out of nowhere another wave of tears just came and hit me. As I was starting to cry again I was struck with why I was upset, I was homesick.

When I was mad with Kelly it was weird because I knew that I couldn’t say anything to her and I didn’t want to talk to Cassie about it because she wouldn’t understand. I love Cassie with all my heart but she isn’t always the best person to talk to when you just need to complain and vent about things. She’s good when she is also annoyed, but when she doesn’t get it she’s not that great at it. So I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Hannah Heath was in Utah, but I wouldn’t go to her anyway, and Allegra was in Blackfoot. It was the awful moment of realizing I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to and the people I did want to talk to were in Massachusetts. That’s when I really started to just bawl my eyes out. I told Mae that I just wanted to be home, I didn’t want to be in Idaho anymore and I wanted to be with everyone and I wanted to be in Massachusetts. It was probably hard for her to hear all of that though because I was crying pretty hard and when I cry I can’t talk. I don’t pretty cry in any aspect. It’s all heavy, gasping breaths, squeaking words and bright red tomato face. I was surprised when Mae knew what I was saying and was there to comfort me.

It was so odd and I haven’t told anyone about it because it’s sort of embarrassing that after so many years of being in Idaho and being fine, that one argument with Kelly is what brought me to that edge of being homesick. It’s the worst feeling in the world. There is literally nothing you can do but wish you were home and with family again. It’s especially worse when it happens in January and you aren’t going to physically see the family until July and there’s nothing to do but miss them and cry about it. You can talk to them, but it makes it a little worse because all you want is to be with them. I wanted to write this post because I think that this was a really important moment for me. Not only for helping me to figure out how far I actually want to be from family, but also all the stuff with Kelly. Once again I would go into it but that would be a whole other post and I’m sort of over it and I don’t want to dwell on it anymore because it’s in the past and that’s where I want it to stay.

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