Finals week is coming up and so therefore tensions are high, annoyances are worse, homework is terrible, and sleep is non-exsistant. This finals week is a little harder than most, all because my dear sweet Kelly is graduating and she’ll be gone from us. It’s incredibly sad to think about, I’m going to miss her so much! She has been part of every year of my college life and I’ve lived with her more semesters than not and I’ve loved it. Has it been hard and has it made our relationship struggle at times; yes. But what friendship hasn’t had this hard struggle at times, especially when you consider the fact that I’ve lived with her for the past two years. But I love her so deeply and so much. She has been such an amazing friend to have up here. She’s guided me in so many ways, made me laugh so hard and made me feel better about all of the netflix that I was watching.
Okay. So many emotions are happening right now and I was going to text it all to Maniesse but then the other part of my brain said, “blog it”. So here we are. My instagram feed is full of couples and it’s making me sad. I’m usually not one to get upset over not being in a relationship but this week has been hard. Here’s my big secret(among many) and it’s that I do want to be married. I want to be with someone. I want to have cuddles and kisses and late Saturday mornings and the getting ready for church. I want to watch movies and cuddle and fall asleep together. I want them to drag me out of bed to do fun things and to laze around all day doing nothing. J want to be in a relationship. It’s really pathetic and I hate that I want it and I hate that I’m not in one. I sometimes struggle a lot with the fact that I’m not dating anyone and that I’m not married. The reason for that is because I have a lot of things that need work right now and I’m probably not ready. But it’s still hard to see relationships and to not be in one. I want to be and yet I’m not. I’m not popular on dating apps, I don’t have a lot of friends, I have The issue, I don’t go on a lot of dates, and I’m just not that girl.
It’s really hard and I hate that pit of envy that I get every time I see a picture of a couple. It makes me so mad that I’m jealous. These are all things that I’ve been thinking about as I’ve gone through my instagram tonight. I’m not proud of myself and I really do wonder why I’m not dating anyone or why I’m not married. And then a really reassuring thought came to me(thanks Heavenly Father) and it’s that He has a plan. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but He has one. He has the guys picked out but we’re all on different timelines and we’re all doing different things. I will be married some day and it will be because of His plan. He knows what’s going to happen and I know I’m going to be married. It will happen one day, I just need to be patient. I think that He’s just waiting for me and for who ever this other guy might be. God is showing me what I want and then saying “but not this one” and though that’s hard, it’s good. When I do get into a relationship it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be fast and intense. I need to be prepared for that and that’s what God is doing. He’s preparing me.
A couple of weekends ago was a rough one. It was not great, like no part of it really. Since coming out to start college in Idaho, a state I was completely unfamiliar with and where I knew absolutely no one, I have only been truly and deeply homesick a couple of times. More often than not I’m homesick right as I’m leaving home. As in im still in Hatfield and I’m saying goodbye and all I can think is “I just really want to be home. I don’t want to leave. No part of me wants to leave.” But when I get to Idaho it’s fine, I still hate saying goodbye to my parents, but they’ve only driven me out to Idaho once. Usually I fly out to Idaho by myself and by the time I’m onto my second flight I’m okay. A little sad to be away from family again, but getting better.