Beware: insanely long post ahead

So I missed a post yesterday, but I have a really good excuse! —

Okay I started this a week ago and am now getting back to it. Go me. It’s been crazy. I’ll try and give a recap:

Christmas Day – so we went to church, we as in mom and I, and there we sang Christmas songs and I was able to see Dausha and Taylor! I love those two so I was super happy to see them again. We went home, opened presents, watched/napped one movie, and then the guys went out for chores. After that we went to Becca and Nates to have all the fam together. We exchanged presents and ate Christmas Eve left overs. I love my family and I love our new family traditions! As we were leaving I started to not feel so great. By the time we got home I knew I was sick, 2 hours later I was throwing up every single thing I had eaten that day. 

Day after Christmas/worst day ever – I spent the rest of the night(morning) throwing up, taking a bath, falling asleep in the bathroom and then repeat. To make matters better, around midnight my mom got the same sick. That’s when we remember that on Tuesday Denali was sick throwing up and Christmas Eve night Nate was throwing up. When it was around 6am we found out that dad and jack weren’t feeling well and Mae was starting to feel sick as well. Oh, did I mention that dec 26th was also my grandmas funeral. I thought that being sick would make the sadness easier to handle, it didn’t. I was feeling sick and all I wanted to do was take a bath and sleep, but emotionally I was doing surprisingly well. I was with my cousins, I looked cute, people were actually showing up to the funeral and everything was running smoothly. I wasn’t feeling the sadness. I knew that grandma was finally whole again, she was with her mind and her family. It was a bitter sweet death but we all knew she was in a better and happier place. But the sadness that you feel when a loved when dies is strange, it doesn’t function the way normal sadness does. While I know that she’s in a better place, my heart hurts all the same. So when the funeral started and reverend Kakos started to speak, all the sadness came back. I couldn’t sing a single song without feeling tears and every time someone spoke I started to cry anew. My mom and jack and I shared a hymn book so they both knew I wasn’t singing. It also meant that I could hear them stop singing because it got to be too hard. Those were the killer moments. There’s something so tenderly heart breaking about all of you coming to sing a line in a song and having it resonante so clearly that no one can sing. We would be singing and there would be one line in a song, just one, and all of a sudden Mom and Jack and I weren’t singing. Just trying to hold it together and thinking about how much we love grandma. She was my best friend. I thought I missed her a lot when her mind was gone, but man I miss her so much more now that she’s all gone. It’s funny though, I can feel her with me in small strange moments. Its odd to explain, but there have been a couple of moments where I just know that grandma is right with me and that she’s trying to talk to me. Even heaven can’t stop her from talking to us. 

December 28th – all of a sudden mom and dad and I were leaving that night and I had done no packing. Usually packing takes me about two days. I take my time, I look through all my clothes, I look through all my books, and I sweep every single room to make sure I didn’t forget anything. This year not so much planning happened. I packed in 2 hours and I’m 75% positive that I forgot some important things, I’ll live. So we packed up the car, said a tearful(all my tears, no one else cried) goodbye and left at 8:00. I’m not sure why but saying bye to the family has only gotten harder as the years have gone by. I think it’s heavenly fathers way of telling me where I need to be after college, but this is just speculation. 

Some amount of days later

January 1, 2017 – I’m officially graduating this year. I’m becoming a real person who can no longer rely on her parents constantly. I have to figure out how to pay taxes, get a real job, live by myself, and budget. I’m very unprepared. You know what though? I’m excited. This year is going to be hard, I’m going to have to work hard and stay on top of things. And I know, I’m not sure how, but I know that this year is going to bring on new changes. Sometimes you just feel things in your bones and in your soul. And I know that this year is going to be new and exciting and I’m going to love it. Or I’m going to force myself to find a way to love it. I spent the end of my year driving across the country with my parents and on New Year’s Eve I’m spending it in my moms college roommates guest room with absolutely no service, typing out a very long and probably boring blog post. But that sort of ideal to me. I don’t love New Year’s Eve because there are so many expectations about what I should be doing and who I should be with. At least I’ve been given no choice this year, but it would have been nice to text some of my friends.

Anyway. 2016 you’ve been you and I’m glad to leave you behind. I’ve done amazing things this year. I got straight A’s, I bonded with some amazing girls, I went to zions and camped in the back of a car with Maniesse , I surprised my family, I started making better boy decisions, I became confident in what I’m learning, dausha got married, my sister got married, I feel in love with 35 preschoolers, i went to the Hartford open house, Maniesse came to visit me and we had some of the best late night chats in a random church parking lot, I went to Ireland with Macca, Becca, zinnia, and mom, and I started to figure my life out just a little bit more. That doesn’t mean that it’s been a hard and incredibly stressful year. But I’m trying to focus on he positive things in 2017. Let’s hope this blog will help me with that.

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